Sunday, December 21, 2008

Snowed in

I always attend Mass in the evening. And today I should have gone this morning. I know I won't get anywhere in my 93 Honda, nor in my parents slightly-better-in-the-snow car. My brother is taking off with his truck on a different schedule and route.

I think I've missed Mass through no fault of my own, maybe one, two times; either due to illness or weather.

In my more wretched years I purposefully missed Mass one time. I was actually on my way to Mass, and when I got to the church I just kept driving by. That one time did not sit well. Which is the way it should have sat, since it was a mortal sin.

Tonight is kind of tough though. I could have risen earlier and gone to Mass, but didn't, thinking I would go in the evening. Now I'm snowed in. I wish to get to Mass tommorrow morning.

And confession.

By the by, I've never been able to enjoy life, or anyone, or anything, as I am able to as when I've been to confession. Take away confession and I'm a zombie - literally.

What sole attributes of mine that are worth remarking on at all, when said and done, are nothing other than the accumulated times I made efforts to get into the confessional.

Never have I entered into the confessional with a perfectly realized laundry list of sins to tick off one by one. The feat has always been to get into the confessional. I do get the major course of them said, and they give light to others. I've been entering into the confessional saying, "Mother Mary, give me the words to speak to your Son. Jesus, draw the words out of me; give me a good confession". They have never failed to answer this prayer.

Thus, without a doubt, my best moments are those that I cannot attribute to myself. O necessary sin of Adam! How is it that my best moments involve the dirtiest places of myself? O vital weakness that makes me dependent of Him! How can I continue without the assurance, sacramentally made in a concrete minute of time, of His forgiveness?

To know that Jesus forgives is not enough. I know He burns with love to apply that forgiveness specifically and concretely within time to a person, and to have that person experience it fully.

Jesus loves to forgive. It is impossible for Him to do it begrudgingly. But I must be sorrowful for my sins, and I must resolve never to commit them again; to make up my mind and heart in this minute of time never more to offend God - and then, step into the confessional.

How do I know these things but through my own sins, which I have been able to face only with His grace? This is what makes the devil angry: that Jesus reaches down into the darkest places of your soul (in different ways according to each soul) and makes it the best part of you. He breaks it, and yet makes it able, limber, resilient; broken in. Not snowed in.

1 comment:

~m2~ said...

oh this was wonderful! the confessional is where i find my deepest moments of tangible grace. He really does meet us there in our time of need!

(i hope you were able to get out...)