Friday, April 12, 2013

The Great Decision

[An 1850’s townspeople gather into their town square for a final unanimous decision regarding common stock phrases to be used in everyday speech.]

(Official leader of ceremonies)

It has been heard one man
descended from the Enormous Mountains
bordering our town - one grey-bearded who
not living among us, but up in the mountains -
came down one day, and happening upon
the first stranger he found, his hands dripping red, proclaimed:
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat!”

Harold, the first one whom the mountain man approached,
has said he was an interesting man, adding
that he could tell by his apparel he was a working man.
Harold questioned him on a number of matters
pertaining to cats, being as it is, that Harold himself
owns two - for mice - and the mountain man with saucer eyes,
would say no more than - I repeat, verbatim:
“There is more than one way to skin a cat!”

He then turned himself around and went
back to the Enormous Mountains, a laughter
issuing from him which Harold has suggested
is the sort of laughter one would hear
from a man who lived in the mountains
for a long time by himself.

We have now to make the final decision.
We have the choices written in a hat.
Enough with procrastination.
It will be one of these or the one about the cat.

[Holding piece of paper to the light and squinting]

Hmmm…lets see…
There is more than one way to butter your bread.
I understand Fred the baker is highly in favour
of that one.

[Nods to Fred. Proceeds with another piece of paper]

There is more than one way to trim your lantern as you go out at night in the cold to milk your cows.
Thank you for that one Phillip. By the way,
were you able to get the gangrene out of their hooves?

[A shy nod comes from crowd]

Great! Great! Good to hear.

[Puts hand in to pull out another piece of paper]

Hmmm…Henry, is this a velvet lining in your top hat?
Very fine on the hand indeed.

[Again, pulls out another slip of paper]

Alright. The writing is somewhat difficult…
There is more than one way to…ppfffftttt…hehehehe…hahaha…
What’s that Henry? My face? Red? Well uh…
Just take this one and hide it will ya?

[Immediately reaches for another piece of paper]

Hmmm…There is more than one way to download apps for your I-phone, order your movie tickets on-line, manage your Microsoft desktop and access your cable in-ter-net…

Ah, Jimmickers! I would expect this sort of nonsense,
indecipherable gibberish,
would come from someone like you!
Ever since and ever hence you ever refused
to carry your father’s business and his name,
refusing to marry Olga Tanhide,
and, delusional coward you are, went into ‘seclusion’
to work- [Here he stresses heavy sarcasm]
to work on your so-called ‘time-machine’! Ha!
you’ve become a disgrace in our eyes,
all the eyes of those present here,
and the eyes of all the townspeople
who are all here present, in each other’s eyes,
which is three ways of saying the same thing
but you know what I mean!
Go on! Get out of here! Wipe that smirk
off your face, ergg…I’d like to clobber
that filthy little yellow belly on the ears!
Blast tarnation gee golly jeepers creepers and I'll be jiggered!

Enough of this; we've got better things to do - and bigger!
I'm tired and want to go to bed!
Let's just go with what the psycho said!


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